Category Archives: Blogging

Used for entries about this blog

Go Ahead And Blink, It Won’t Make Any Difference

We talk about how quickly our kids grow up. Don’t blink or you’ll miss it. The hours/days drag, but the years fly, etc.  I don’t know how many times I hear these words. I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve been the one saying them.

I’m beginning to suspect, however, that for me it’s not really about the speed with which time passes. The real issue is that it does. Time passes whether or not I approve.  I think I wouldn’t be happy even if we had twice as many years to parent our kids. Just knowing things will change is what sticks in my craw. And that is the revelation that smacked me squarely in the head this morning.

I’m acutely aware that the time of being my nine-year old’s Favorite Person is not going to last forever. Now, perhaps, since I am a particularly amazing mom, it might go on for a bit longer  than it would for, say,  a run-of-the-mill mom … But I’m not gonna bet the farm on it.

Last night there was rather a loud thunder storm, and as often happens, it got loudest about an hour after the girls had settled  into their beds. Allyson doesn’t love storms, but she will sleep through most anything. Katey, on the other hand, really does not love storms. And being nine, you’d think she’d have learned by now to navigate her way through a summer squall, even at bedtime. But … No. Therefore, several times last evening she made her way out of the room and wanted to snuggle and be reassured. And each time I went and snuggled and reassured. And I didn’t mind. Y’know why? Because I know there will come a night when she doesn’t need me to help her do this thing. And, knowing me like I do, there’ll come a night when I miss it —  when I miss being needed to snuggle and to reassure.

I know, most of you less sentimental types out there are rolling your eyes. (I guarantee that my husband is.) And I know that parents of tiny ones are muttering, “If ONLY!” — because you feel like you’re needed 24/7 and you just want to have five minutes to use the bathroom. Alone! I remember those days, and I totally get it.

But I’m here to tell you, I’m going to miss it. I’m going to miss most of this mothering business. And that day is coming — whether it’s coming fast or slow. That day when I get to do my own thing, when I get to do laundry for just two, when I get to not worry about picking up kids from school, when I get to walk through the garage and not have to make my way around bikes and scooters.

When I talk like that to my husband, he kinda gets this far-off, dreamy look on his face. And I’m sure it will be nice it many ways. Picking up and going to see a movie on the spur of the moment again will be refreshing. But … I’m going to miss these days.

So, perhaps, what I’m really taking all this time and space to say is: I’ll miss mothering kids one day. The End.

Climbing Mountains … Avoiding Hills

I posted recently on facebook that my 8-year-old left a note hidden in my purse before she went to school. It told me she’d miss me, that she loved me, to have fun hanging out with Dad (’cause you know, that’s what we do all day when they’re at school — laze around together) … and to run 3 miles.

This, presumably, is because when I pick them up at school, of late, I typically ask how their day was and then I tell them about mine. It goes something like this, Me: “So, how was your day?” Them: “Good.” Me: “How was lunch/recess/gym/whatever?” Them: “Fine.” <pause> Me: “Well, you know what *I* did today?! I ran! My total distance was blah-blah-blah, and, of that, I only walked blah-blah, and ran blah-blah! And that’s 3 tenths of a mile more than I ran on Monday!”

They’re really good encouragers. Not that they I give them much choice, of course … but that’s beside the point. The point really is this. I’ve been “trying to run” for more than two years now. (If you’ve read my blog before you might remember that I chronicled the beginning days.) It’s been a sloooow and not-at-all-steady process. For the longest time, when I ran it was around our little neighborhood. The circumference is 1 mile, which was normally the extent of my run. Sometimes I would loop around a little and go a little farther, but that was it. A mile and a half, tops. I might mention that there are some hills that made it more of a challenge, which made me less likely to expand my horizons, as far as running went. (I hate running on hills.)

Well, then one day as I was driving, I happened to see one of my neighbors running about a mile from our neighborhood. She looked like she’d been going for a while, and was on her way back. This caused a series of thoughts to meander through my 46-year-old brain. Wow. I wonder where Mandie’s been on her run. I wonder how far she runs. Well, she’s a Real Runner, I couldn’t do that. … Wouldn’t it be interesting, though, to run someplace outside of the neighborhood? … Noooooo … I’m not a Real Runner. Only Real Runners do that. … But, I wonder how far I could run if I were to run somewhere ELSE. And wouldn’t it be more interesting to see something other than the same stuff, over and over again, when I run? (Pedantic, isn’t it? But that’s really what you’d have heard if you could’ve listened to the little voice inside my head that day.)

The seed was planted and gradually it grew. Until one day, a week or so after that fateful moment, I actually did it. I ran (and walked) about a mile and a half. It was not the most thrilling route, but the important thing was that I was out of my comfort zone because it was outside of my neighborhood. And that was huge! Since then, I’ve been finding more appealing places to run. Honestly, when I looked at the areas surrounding our house, I found roads and neighborhoods I’d rarely seen. And they’re beautiful. This has made a distinct difference in how I look at running. I still avoid hilly runs as much as I can, and long, straightaways that feel endless. Those kill me. But I’m increasing my stamina almost daily and that feels good.

And this is why Katey is cheering me on. Because she knows it makes my day to go further than I’ve gone before. Maybe they even like hearing me enthuse about the newest mountain I’ve climbed (figuratively speaking, of course). Maybe. Or perhaps they’re just being nice. Either way, it adds up to a win for me. I’m making progress and challenging myself to top that mountain, day by day. And I know my girls are watching and waiting for me to take just a few more steps each time. That’s all I’m looking for.

A Whole New Thing

Well, yesterday’s post chronicled our change from school-at-home to school-at-, well, school. Today, we’re going to talk a little about what my life looks like these days.

To begin … I had shoulder surgery four days before school began. It was only arthroscopic, so I found myself knocked for a loop by the anesthesia and the delightful prescription meds I got to take in the early days. I can truly and thankfully say that the biggest impact on me was just the medications, and trying to get the anesthesia out of my system! The pain was negligible, really. But the beginning of the school year is something of a blur, truth be told. When you think about it, that’s another good thing about the girls being back in school. I’d have been next to useless in the teaching department in those early days of the school year.

And then there’s the physical therapy, which, for the sake of time and ease, I’ll refer to as PT. I had the surgery on Thursday and had my first PT session on Friday. And from that time on, it’s been three days a week, almost an hour and a half at a shot. Over time I had developed one extremely frozen shoulder. No, that’s actually what it’s called. Meaning that in my case, I’ve had very limited use of my right shoulder and arm for more than two years. There had never been an injury. When my doctor went in he found that there was a protrusion of one of the bones in the joint that was pinching the rotator cuff, causing discomfort, and therefore causing me to use the shoulder less and less. All that to say, it’s of utmost importance if I want to regain the use of my arm that I work it and stretch it multiple times a day.

And so, that’s one of the things that I’m spending time doing for now, PT and recovering. I told some friends that I was going to write a blog post and call it Naps, Narcotics and Netflix — all about my first several weeks of school! But really, there doesn’t seem to be much point. The narcotics induced many lovely naps, during which I slept through several series of coveted British mysteries. (One day, I’m really going to go back and actually watch them again when my brain isn’t sedated and diffused.) Suffice it to say, it was a lovely haze of three weeks or so, which helped immensely in getting me used to having my young sidekicks elsewhere for the school days.

One thing I’ve intended to do now is begin again to run. I’m just not an early morning runner. I’m not much of an early morning anything-er, quite frankly. And by evening, my desire to exercise is not strong enough to get me out of the house. Or even into my running shoes. So, I realized this would be a great opportunity for me to start slowly again. It’s how I began in the first place, running while the girls were at school. And last week I did it. I put on those running shoes and got to it. So, that’s one thing to check off my list. I just have to keep it going. One step at a time.

And of course, the next thing I thought of when initially I wondered how I would spend my time, was that I could get back to writing my blog! That was also something I began when I had afternoons freed by kids in school. I’ve tried on a number of occasions to keep it going, even while knee-deep in home school, but that never really took off, on any kind of regular basis. So, I’m glad to be able to come back to this medium. I enjoy writing about my life and loves.

Aaaaand there’s still that school room/office to finish up. <Sigh>

So, there’s a glimpse into the new thing God is doing in my life. I’m excited about what he has laid in my path, albeit simple stuff. I’m happy to start small. My days still include plenty of mothering — it just looks different now.

The Eyes Have It (or Girl Time)

Here I sit. In a t-shirt, shorts, feet bare, hair in my face, having done nothing much to make myself more than casually dressed. Ahhh … but for my eyes.

An 8-year-old I know has been begging me to allow her to put my eye makeup on. On MY eyes. After some stalling, numerous excuses — as women everywhere can surely imagine — I finally ran out of anything resembling defendable reasons and let her at it. She started with a cautiousness that told me she was concerned about my reaction. And so I decided just to let her go. Have at it, kiddo! And so she did. After the initial hesitation, she became bolder and less inhibited. And I became way more made up.

And so, here I sit, pretty much disheveled, but for some breathtaking eyes. (If I do say so, myself.) And I reflect on the changes that motherhood has effected. I care more about my girls than about the incongruous look I now sport. This time spent with my daughter was really something. As my girls mature, our mommy/daughter times will continue, I’m sure, to mutate. Therefore, if, in days to come, you run across a woman who looks a little like me but has a something that looks like a bird’s nest in place of hair, or is wearing dangerously high heels and sweatpants … Well, I’m just giving you a heads up. Don’t say anything. If it is me, I’ll no doubt be in the presence of one or both of my daughters, you can be sure, and I wouldn’t want them to be embarrassed. It’s all in the interest of getting to know my girls in a new way, don’t you know.

It’s Not My Thing

The other day I was on facebook. I was having a conversation with a friend about where to get little girls’ nails done for not a lot of money. I told her where we occasionally go, and her next comment to me was, “Pam, is it cheap?” However, what I saw was, “Pam is cheap.” I wasn’t in the least offended. I laughed, and then re-read the comment. Ohhhhhhhh! That’s kind of a different meaning right there. Had I not read it again I would have chuckled and walked away. And my friend would have been left wondering how much it cost to taker her daughters to 90’s Nails.

A few days later, we were getting an oil change for our car and were in the waiting area. They have free fountain sodas, popcorn and coffee. (I know! Why do you think we go?)  I was a little perplexed when I looked at the coffee dispensers, however, because it said, right there in big letters, “Slime is free!” Huh? I was a little distracted because our daughters were asking for some popcorn and one was pushing to have some root beer. So, when we’d gotten them all sorted I re-examined that disturbing sign on the coffee pot. But now I saw that what it actually said was, “Smile, it’s free!” Ohhhhhhhh! That made way more sense.

Later that night, while mulling it all over in my tired brain, it occurred to me: this is why I am not a speed reader. When I was a kid I had seen commercials on TV, whilst watching Gilligan’s Island reruns or The Lone Ranger on a Saturday morning. And there were ads for speed reading courses. It showed a person flipping through War and Peace as I would flip through a book looking for my bookmark. I really don’t remember any of the specific claims, but what it promised seemed to be an impossibility. Especially to me, the slowest of the readers in my class. And probably in the surrounding counties.

My husband and his dad used to talk about how one is supposed to skim the pages and get the gist of what’s going on when one is speed reading. Honestly, I’ve tried that. And what I get is not the gist. Utterly confused, that’s what I get. As evidenced by me thinking my friend was calling me cheap and that my garage was giving away free slime.

So, I’ve come to a conclusion, and it is this: Speed reading is not my thing. Everybody’s got a Thing, right? Well, I know that speed reading is not mine. I’m still trying to find what my Thing is, exactly. But I know without a doubt what it isn’t.

He Gathers His Lambs

I’m watching Jeff and the girls play a game on our new (though pre-owned) xbox. And by watching, I really mean not watching, just sitting nearby, listening more than anything. I’m in a reflective mood tonight.

It’s the beginning of a whole new year. Sometimes I find myself a little scared by that thought, the idea of another year stretching out before me, with no indication of events that are about to unfold. When I wonder what this year will hold I get a little nervous.

I remember a week in May of 2003 when I felt like there was a shoe about to drop. Jeff and I had just celebrated our first wedding anniversary and he was on a week-long business trip to Chicago. I had an odd feeling of foreboding. As it turned out, just days later, though he returned home and all seemed well, we got a phone call at 5:30 in the morning from my older brother telling me that our mom had died of a heart attack in the night. I think of that from time to time, and I wonder what else could be just around the corner — perhaps some life changing disaster that will bring me to my knees and change my life forever. Again.

And that’s when I remember that whether or not I know what’s coming won’t change anything. Knowing, however, that God is in control and is walking with me through whatever comes — that changes everything.

Why, I wonder, do I forget so easily about his sustaining grace? Perhaps it’s to remind me of my weakness and my inability to cope with the sadnesses of life. Maybe, if I didn’t feel panic from time to time, I’d forget that I can rest in his unfailing strength.

Isaiah 40:11  “He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.”

So, be encouraged. And look forward to what God is going to do in this new year, 2014!

For My Girls

I sit here wondering what to say. What do I have to say that is of any importance? Why should I tap out words on the laptop tonight? I have the time, and I have the desire, but I think about what to put down. And I realize that what’s really on my mind tonight, like most nights, is my girls. There are things I’d like them to know, be it now, or in days to come. So, Allyson and Katey, this is for you.

Before you left yesterday, to go to the cabin with Daddy, you each wrote a note for me. You wanted to surprise me, so I told you I wouldn’t watch you. Once you left I went and looked for your notes. Kate, I found yours on the front door, and I found yours, Allyson, tucked beneath the stapler on my desk. They were simple notes, written hurriedly, but the message was clear. I look at them this weekend as I spend time by myself, and I know that somewhere, up north in Sullivan County, are two girls who love me. And, as much as I’m enjoying this time to myself, I cannot wait for you to come home.

When you both are grown and have children of your own, you’ll no doubt begin to understand how nice it is for a mom occasionally to squirrel away time to herself. And something else you’ll find is that, no matter how reviving and renewing that time may be, when it’s done you’ll be happy to see your kids, because once you’re a mom, your life will never be just yours again. I gave away large pieces of my heart when I met you and we began our journey together. So, when you’re somewhere else I wonder how you are and I think about you and hope you’re learning and laughing and growing. It’s a mom-thing.

Earlier this week when we were in the car I asked you what you were looking forward to about being a mom. There was a long pause and one of you said, “… Having kids.” I had to laugh. You must have thought it was an incredibly stupid question. It was my way of beginning a conversation about being a mom. But even before you’re ready for motherhood, I look forward to seeing you become young ladies; learn to drive (though it may cause more than one anxiety attack for your parents); grow in your relationship with Christ; make new friends; discover new things you love to do. There are so many things to look forward to! I can’t wait to see who you’ll each become.

You both are so much fun to be around. I smile often when I overhear your conversations from another room because you’re smart and funny and talented. Sometimes when I listen I’m amazed by the maturity I hear in your voices. Other times I chuckle because you sound just like you did when you were tiny, playing together and being silly. I watch you play with smaller children — friends and cousins — and I know that you’ve been paying attention to the things we’ve told you. You have a gentleness and genuine care for others that thrills me to see. When we pray together I’m often amazed by your understanding. Wasn’t it yesterday that I held you and prayed with you? You couldn’t understand my words but I knew that before long you’d be hearing and learning — learning to pray, and to understand God and his “never stopping, never giving up, unbreaking, always and forever love.”

I pray that you will continue to grow and to love and to enjoy life. You are God’s greatest gifts to me and I look forward to watching you grow.

And I look forward to having you home again on Monday!

Oh, Mom … Were You Talking Just Then?

We sometimes play a game around the lunch table, my girls and I. It goes like this. A child is eating a piece of cheese and takes a bite (or three) and holds up what’s left. (This is where the game part happens.) The question is put to whomever is in the room — “What’s this?” And we have to identify what shape we see in the remaining piece of cheese. This can go on, the back-and-forth, asking and guessing/asking and mis-identifying, sometimes for longer than you’d expect, quite honestly. More often than not it turns out to be something like A Mountain, or A Staircase, because, not surprisingly, it’s tough to make a more detailed replica of much else with cheese and incisors.

Well today it was just me and Kate. Which typically makes for a shorter game. And she was excited by what she had created. After I had guessed at least three things (I think I guessed stairs, a tidal wave, and Wisconsin), she must have given up on mom and decided to go ask Allyson. (She was in the basement.) But she explained it to me, as she was leaving me in the dust, which, when you think about it, was quite thoughtful of her. “This looks like a person singing, going ‘Whooooooooo!’ Here’s the hat and here’s the mouth, going ‘Whooooooooooo!’ See?” I didn’t really, but I didn’t say that flat-out. “Oh … Huh! … Neat!” was all I could come up with just then. And I asked her to tell Allyson that her lunch was ready and that she needed to come upstairs. After agreeing, she went downstairs. Very shortly thereafter Katey came back upstairs. “Did you give her the message?” I asked, pretty sure there hadn’t been time for the transmission of both messages. “Yup!” was the happy response. “Just … what message are you talking about?”  — my skepticism, unassuaged. She said,”I told her “This looks like a person going, ‘Whoooooooo!'” (The sub-text here was: What other message could there be? What could compete with cheese shaped like a person going ‘whoooooo’?)

And this is why Allyson’s lunch was just a little colder than it would otherwise have been on this early spring day. This is also why I ask questions such as, “Did you actually know that there were words coming out of my mouth? And they were English, your mother-tongue!” It makes communicating that much more … communicative. Effective, even.

What If I Don’t Wanna Retire!

When Jeff and I were going through premarital counseling, our pastor said something that stuck with me. He said that the purpose of raising children is to enable them to be independent and go on without you; that, while we raise our kids to spread their wings and leave the nest, the purpose of marriage is to make it strong enough, with work and attention, to go on — on past the time the kids have left the house.

Back then I thought that sounded like a great idea. But then I had kids … and the thing I realized as soon as the first baby was born was this — I had a new, fantastic purpose in life. I suddenly had a job like no other. I don’t know whether I’d have felt differently if I had a profession I worked hard to cultivate, but as of that moment, all else paled in comparison to my newfound calling and the overwhelming love I had for my child.

And in recent years I’ve begun to realize that as soon as Katey is off to college (or whatnot) I’ll be forced to retire from this job I love so, so much. I know I’ll always be a mom. I hear what you’re saying. And I know what people say about being a grandparent, but that’s not what I’m talking about here.

Our daughters are 14 months apart. I love that span and the closeness it engenders. But by the time Allyson is spreading her wings, Katey will be right behind her. And I’ll be right smack in middle of that dreaded empty-nest business by the time my oldest is all of nineteen. And right now that seems downright depressing.

What if I don’t feel like retiring when I’m 55?! Well, since my only recourse is to lock them up and throw away the key, it looks like I’ll be retiring within ten years whether I like it or not. Sigh …

Loss and Healing

In my last post I talked about things that have kept me from blogging as I once did, with joy and enthusiasm. Teaching my girls at home is a pretty hefty contributing factor, as I mentioned. But I’ve recently begun to suspect that there’s more.

Last year, on April 16th, I learned I was pregnant. And exactly one month later, it was over. I had lost the baby. I’d lost something else, too. Gradually, I’ve come to realize that some of life’s joy, its charm, has somehow been dimmed, tarnished. I hope it’ll be back. I’m working to deal with the feeling of loss that sometimes seems endless. … And the numbness. I know it’s a process. What I don’t know is what to do about it. I’m told that talking about it is helpful, though I really can’t imagine why. While I’m not one to avoid talking, even about this, I can’t believe that anything will really help ease the emptiness. Will conversation really make any difference in how I feel? I find that hard to believe.

And this, I think, has more to do with my absence here than anything else. What I loved to do was to write about whatever I felt like. Sometimes it was serious stuff (within reason, of course), but more often than not I was in the mood for tongue-in-cheek goofy-ness, or a happy narration about my life. That became the sticking point: I liked the tone I’d set in my blogging voice, yet I’ve felt less and less capable of sustaining it.

I want, once again, to make time to write; to enjoy the process of putting down stuff I’m thinking about, be it serious or silly. Because I miss it. I want to enjoy the creative process and feel satisfied when I click the “publish” button. I miss that outlet. So, I’m making an effort to get back into the practice of blogging. In hopes that what was a favorite pastime will be again. And perhaps it’ll be therapeutic, as well.